When There Is Only Darkness…

10 Nov
When There Is Only Darkness…


Do You Own Your Actions?

Open handed, reciprocal figure to ground touch, the Both/And touch of the Yin-Yang, the apogee master violin bow single-stroke bindus connecting inhale and exhale, forming breath as prayer.

Adversity doesn’t build character. It reveals it. ~ James Lane Allen (most likely ripped from Aristotle, though I haven’t located the conceptual reference. No matter. Nothing new, yet everything must be original. ~ T.S. Eliot)

Suffering isn’t always required for that if you’re allergic to boredom and challenge yourself. Sometimes, what does not kill us, doesn’t kill us because it loves us very much. And, when you powerfully witness to engage in the Empathic Silence of listening, you may forget your thoughts… the gift in hearing and experiencing another full-boat, full-bore straight out of the box of who they are. I feel one of the biggest tragedies in life is not settling in to nestle in the experience to evaporate the mirage of what or who you think someone is. One of the biggest beauties? Having a clear mind and heart so that every word and feeling between them from another ripples on the glass top lake of your infinite, inner well.

And Yes, adversity may be just like weather coming in, that has arrived. On the mountain. Above treeline. In late October of 1999. On a 14er. 14,263 feet above sea level, and Nature’ll kill ya in a single mis-step no matter your experience level. Being aware of experience, though, means we’re still alive, and that we’ve just had an another experience. And, that we can potentially be made stronger if we don’t react, and instead respond wise in time in the moment, and own it with NO mistakes, just OFLs, Opportunities For Learning… own it, and… can the reasons as they are unreasonable there. You. Are. Already. There. DO you live or die? Do you live or die trying. Do you live by dying trying to be reborn the next morning with your back propped up on the back wheel of an ambulance.

Keep it.

In total depth of darkness, first you’ll see a spark, then a crack, and from this crack will flow your unborn soul. ~ Altered States

Death is the mother of memory, nourishes the future in dreams.

Yes, they water the garden to nourish value, to nurture what’s important. To build value. Though, do you continually Amend Your Inner Soil?

From your experiences, what geode gems of messages have you mined and cracked open by not wasting trouble to keep?

What was/is your takeaway message gift from them?…

That you OWN? That You Keep?

May I suggest that Your Presence Is Architecture, Presence As Architecture. Keep it. Upkeep it. Nourish its powerful limits and boundaries. Fly as high as your roots go deep. Swim as deep And infinitely as your dreams expand within. Can you resonate with…. . “Go YOU!”

Is guilt simply shame you allowed To digest? Cool. So what? That’s what ablution’s for, to get you back to you. And, shame? Can you slip that shit by side-stepping to literally slip it with wit and humor… with such things when you feel uncomfortable with something like, “:), your words not mine.” And, leave it that, not integrating another trauma to be resolved?

I don’t know about you, though that docket’s full already, and there’s no cutting in line.

If you stop to address every barking dog…. (Kinda thing) ~ Winston Churchill

What did I Keep That Day?

What I heard as I came to, came back to consciousness at 5:45a after getting myself off Mt Democrat and Leg leg blown Creature From The Black Lagoon dragging it and myself back to camp at the base at just after 3am. … Hearing my name, I collapsed.

What Did I Hear?

His heart rate has been locked at 51 bpm for the last 2 hours since he’s been here. I don’t know how he did that, though I gather it was to evaporate anxiety to get ‘er done. 51 bpm and 120 over 70 under full life-threatening stress. Oh, here he comes. ‘Hey Brown Eyes. Where Ya Been?’

~ Paramedic whose name would never stick. Thank you Paramedic-Person For keeping me alive by just staying there in front of me as I began to try to make my way back. Your presence gave me a beacon.

When There’s Only Darkness

When you think there is only darkness, close your two eyes to open the 3rd. When you think there is only darkness, look again. Maybe it’s you that are the light With no need of a mirror. That’s something you can share. It’s a gift to the world.

What Did I Say to the Paramedic?

I heard that. Yes, you are right. I breathed my Heart into Cruise Control. No anxiety or worry. I was sure I was going to die 2,000 vertical feet down the scree field. So, what did I do? I turned around, looked up that infinite sand hill… ‘Yup. I’m going to die. But, (pointing up the incline) I’m going to die going THAT way. Will you epi-pen me or Shake me or something? Now, I can’t get it out of that gear. I love her response. No, I won’t. I’ll give you this cold burger they got for you just in case, and sit here in silence with you as you keep making your way back as slowly as you need. You already shocked your system. Eat. No need to stir the water. You did that up there. It’ll clear. Your heart will thaw into reg. Why do you keep throwing off the blankets? You did that in your sleep, too. I don’t understand. It’s 19 degrees, and you’re in shorts and a T-shirt. I think I cracked a smile which cracked open my lips again to warmly drip blood down my chin On the burger. Yum. My Own Life Sauce. Cold? I don’t feel cold right now. The blankets are too hot. As she blotted my bleeding, she smiled. That tells me again you’re not back yet. Well, YOU are back, just that YOU yourself are not here yet. We sat for an hour. The Silence may have been the best conversation I’ve ever had, right along with the best burger ever.

What Beauties of Golden Experiences Have You Discovered During Your Darkest Hours That Flowed Up From Within To Fill The Cracks, and rather than motion-limiting scars, to Kintsukuroi Your Self in Celebration of Your Experiences?

Don’t waste trouble. ~ Paul Pennock, P.E.

I made a diamond out of my misfortune. ~ Jodorowski’s Chariot Speaks


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What Have You Mined, and Kept?

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Posted by on November 10, 2020 in Promotions


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21 responses to “When There Is Only Darkness…

  1. Holly Troy

    November 10, 2020 at 2:19 pm

    I have an entire book of troubles, of diamonds.

  2. Holly Troy

    November 10, 2020 at 2:20 pm

    so glad you survived the mountain slide

    • Jordan Hoggard

      November 10, 2020 at 2:21 pm

      “YOU must be at least 42” high, not pregnant, and with no hypertension.” I say, “What if I’m pregnant with ideas?” Ahhh GO on in son. I should have listened to the sign. 😉

      • Holly Troy

        November 10, 2020 at 3:46 pm

        but look at the story you birthed!

        • Jordan Hoggard

          November 10, 2020 at 4:55 pm

          🙂 Yes! This one. “Death and My Greatest Crux ~ The 5th Ace.” “Blood and Sand.” A bit like the movie “127 Hours.” It’s not lost on me how much life and death was packed into 11 1/2 hours that day and night.

          • Holly Troy

            November 10, 2020 at 5:30 pm

            turning point! eternal

            • Jordan Hoggard

              November 10, 2020 at 6:53 pm

              It’s the most intense and strongest experience of my life to date. Such a goldmine for the last several years once I worked through just how intense it was. Iaugh, though, still some things there as trauma can be lifelong. Once transformed, it’s an ally. I laugh, though, as I watched “Free Solo,” Alex Honnold’s free climb of El Capitan. It took a several sittings to ease in further and further, and then just be able to take it as my hams would just go ZZZZZZZZZZ like they were plugged into an outlet and fully putting the brakes on to not slip over the edge or to my death. There wasn’t much technical climbing the day of My 5th Ace, more the technical climbing of making every step and every continuous motion count… to live. :), I came up with Sand-Aids that night. Warm feeling down my temple lying there on the cornice at midnight after pulling myself over. I had stood up and must have collapsed-fallen. Warm feeling. Put my hand across, sticky, wet. Oh, I’m bleeding. Hmmm, heads are good at that. So, I ease to the cornice edge and reach down to the sand that almost killed me and scooped and packed and patted my whole head to stop the bleeding. Sand-Aids… not available at Walgreen’s.

            • Holly Troy

              November 10, 2020 at 8:11 pm

              Sand-Aids! lol What didn’t kill you made you stronger – for really real.

              I have a difficult time watching climbing – always my stomach drops. I love mountain biking, but not so much when there is a ton of exposure.

            • Jordan Hoggard

              November 10, 2020 at 8:42 pm

              I get the exposure piece. I used to hop up on 42” high guard rails and walk and spin and and and… my balance was just seriously trained in that, “so just don’t step anywhere except ON the rail.” Then, the climbing accidents. I get 5 feet from a drop-off and I am lobster-tailing in reverse feeling like I jello about to flow over the edge… the only thing solid then are my legs that I might be able to power a city with for a the bzzzzzzzzz. Lol. I respect the stomach part. I get it in my legs. It’s almost like riding the edge of the sidewalk as a kid and when you start having to TRY to stay on, you go off in the crease and yard… like the thought told you and leaned you into it. I can have a clear mind most places unless I’m by a drop-off. Then, I become hyper-aware and move away so as not to set in some new trauma by slipping. I feel the current experiences and stories that go with them don’t need any more “Helpful, amplifying chapters of similar.” 🙂

            • Holly Troy

              November 10, 2020 at 9:27 pm

              i get the shaky leg – can’t control it. There have been a few times where I have had to get off my bike because my legs just start shaking. and then, the rest of my body follows suit.

            • Jordan Hoggard

              November 10, 2020 at 9:57 pm

              🙂 I get that. When we were climbing sometimes, and someone got stuck around a crux, holding on in one place too long, and a leg would star to blow out, start shaking, one of us would lean in and quietly, “Got belay, take?” Nodding, whoever was on belay, the belayer would usually yell up, “OH, Look at that leg! He’s Elvis-ing.”

            • Holly Troy

              November 10, 2020 at 11:58 pm

              yup! Elvis leg!

            • Jordan Hoggard

              November 11, 2020 at 7:40 am


            • Jordan Hoggard

              November 11, 2020 at 7:44 am

              And, what’s funny is, if you let the seismic Elvis-ing quakes break your focus, then the laughter would start and shake you right off the rock with the hugest smile… all of us just laughing with hilarious tears kind of laughing as you were lowered back down. The 1st time someone said it, we all, including my friend on the rock just bust out laughing. He might as well been blasted off the rock by a cannon he was T-boned so hard by FUNNY… “You shake my doors and you rattle my brain, hmmm hm hmmm hmm hm.” DOOD, you don’t know the words all hummin n stuff? Word up, man. It was funny all around. Good times.

  3. Timothy Price

    November 10, 2020 at 3:08 pm

    Now that’s awfully darn close to slip sliding away.

    • Jordan Hoggard

      November 10, 2020 at 4:49 pm

      Yes, it was. 2,000-2,500 vertical feet of slip sliding away down the North Face scree field. Between 2p in the afternoon at almost 60 degrees F to sun going behind bowl and storm starting to brew to midnight back at the top hugging the basalt cornice in shorts and a T-shirt at 19 F, to 3:30a at base to balmy 23 F.

      • Timothy Price

        November 10, 2020 at 9:31 pm

        The 19º F might have helped. Like being put on ice.

        • Jordan Hoggard

          November 10, 2020 at 9:59 pm

          I think it did. That was one of the 1st things I had to meditate out as I made my way up the scree field, to have it simply be a sensation instead of pain. And, I gather it also help me dial in my heart to cruise control at 51 or so, so I wasn’t bleeding energy in systems over-exerting… like setting in for a long leg.

      • Holly Troy

        November 24, 2020 at 9:28 pm

        holy crap


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